Dear Mr. Canon, We Are Concerned and Suspicious

4 12 2012

IMAG0742

Chobani Yogurt, Inc.

669 Country Road 25

Great Falls, New York

Ramsin Canon
[address redacted]

Dear Mr. Canon,

You are receiving this letter pursuant to the Illinois Fraudulent Consumption and Anticipatory Litigation Act, 42 ILCS 8/130 (“the Act”) to inform you of Chobani, Incorporated’s (“Chobani’s”) reasonable suspicion that you are preparing to instigate against Chobani fraudulent litigation based on deliberate overconsumption of our product.

Upon receiving sales figures for the period beginning no earlier than May 01, 2012 and ending no later than 01 November, 2012, Chobani discovered that sales in the Chicagoland area had increased 18%, with 90% of that increase attributable to one (1) CVS and one (1) Dominick’s location (collectively “the vendors”). Upon remittance, pursuant to an enforceable contract between Chobani and the vendors and the vendors and users of customer loyalty cards, of detailed logs based on customer activity, Chobani has identified yourself as being responsible for at least 85% of the 90% increase of the 18% gross increase in the Chicagoland area.

Upon receipt of this information, Chobani undertook an investigation to determine whether you (a) were illegally reselling this quantity despite purchasing them one at a time from retail outlets; (b) were feeding a large family of pre-industrial Arabian peninsula bedouins; (c) were in fact capable of consuming the equivalent of 1,350 cubic meters (approximately 1.1 acre feet) of yogurt yourself. Note that this internal investigation was pursuant to standard corporate policy and that your privacy was never breached in its conduct. The investigation was concluded on 30 November, at which time it was determined that in fact you (i) do operate a d/b/a small business but show no sales of the type contemplated in (a) above; (ii) do not own, rent, occupy or otherwise control property, nor have access to property, capable of housing a sub-band of a Hijazine bedouin tribe of the size necessary to consume this amount of yogurt, per (b) above; and (iii) are slightly below standard size and weight for an American man of your age, and have not entered, competed in, nor trained for any type of competitive eating contest.

Upon reaching these conclusions, Chobani’s legal department further concluded that you must be attempting to slowly displace your internal mass with yogurt and/or poison yourself incrementally enough to survive to give evidence in a product liability action against Chobani. Please be aware that per the Act, we have identified your potential litigation and are hereby notifying you to retain all documents related to your yogurt consumption, to any medical visits you have made or intend to make, and any emails discussing your plan to eat what would be the equivalent of three months of oil exports from Bahrain.

If this letter was sent in error, we sincerely apologize and ask you to seriously please stop eating so much fucking yogurt.

Regards,

Lola S. Chobani

Associate General Counsel

Chobani, Incorporated