Notes from My Interview With a Guy From 1910.

6 01 2011

Huge get, you guys. I landed an interview with the A Guy From 1910. I’d been bugging his publicist for months, but kept getting the brush from some brush in the front office. My tape recorder malfunctioned, by which I mean the only tape I brought with me was an awesome audio book version of Yertle the Turtle, and I didn’t want to tape over it. We met at the Signature Room of the Hancock, which he called “The Holy Shit Room of Sweet Fuck Mountain.” He asked me to pick up the tab, because he’s been “skint” “since the Panic.” Also, he owned a company that made “[BLANK] Need Not Apply” signs, and it went belly up.

Here are some of my preliminary notes from our conversation high atop the city:

-“Holy shit, telephones.”
-“Woah Jesus, computers.”
-“Fuck, trains.”
-“Gotdamn, planes.”
-“Seriously, automobiles?”
-“Where all the polio victims at?”
-“Women: you can’t hit ’em, and they vote.”
-“Those Chinaman did a fine job on these railroads.”
-“Blacks: you can’t hit ’em, and they vote.”
-“What’re you? Some kinda Turkish?”
-“In my day, men were men and children were coal miners.”
-“Sweet fancy moses, television.”
-“What’s fascism?”
-“What’s Islamofascism?”
-“You guys know that like 5 dudes owned all of America back then right?”
-“In my day, women were modest and men were gentlemen, except for the tens of thousands of prostitutes that crowded our city’s streets and the lecherous johns who patronized them.”
-“One thing all Americans can agree on: alcohol is delicious and should be legal.”
-“Really? How long? Man, people must’ve been hitting the opium pret-ty hard.”
-“You know what you guys do do better than we did? Infant mortality. Bet you guys have plenty of cheap coal miners. Though now you can’t hit the kids. At least you don’t let them vote though.”


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7 01 2011
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